“Don’t Judge, Advise, or Criticize”

I caught a few minutes of the Diane Rehm Show on NPR last week. Her guest was author, poet and psychologist Judith Viorst. Viorst, who is 75, was describing her recent experiences when her adult son and his family of five temporarily moved back home.

Most of us with adult children (Norma and I have three) can relate to the experience of kids returning to the roost. The term “Empty Nest Syndrome” is a nisnomer; more apropos is the term “Boomerang Kids.” In the last three years, our guest room has been occupied by five family members (not all at once, thankfully!) — one son, another son twice, one granddaughter, and a sister — as they go through various transitions in employment, education and marital status. Any parent or grandparent who has been there knows all about the physical and emotional chaos that can result when the kids and grandkids move back in.

Viorst has written a book about her experience, titled Alexander and the Wonderful, Marvelous, Excellent, Terrific Ninety Days. Alexander is the youngest of her three adult sons, who — along with his wife and three children — moved in with mom and dad while their home was being renovated. Viorst is famous for her “Alexander” series of children’s books, beginning with
Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day, published in 1972, back when her own Alexander was still a child.

Viorst says that she and her husband had grown long accustomed to order, neatness, quiet dinners and general tranquilty, when the “Alexander Five” moved in and temporarily turned their world upside down. Rehm asked Ms. Viorst what advice she had for parents who are coping with adult children and grandchildren who have moved back home. Viorst gave an answer that struck me as wise. She said that she made a strict rule for herself, and during those 90 days she reminded herself of it several times each day: “Do not judge, advise, or criticize.”

I’ve thought often about that axiom this past week. It occurs to me that that rule applies not just to boomerang kids, but to all of our personal relationships with family and friends. I think it is an excellent rule for our dealings with adult children.  It is also quite applicable to one’s marriage.

We can count on the rest of the world to do the important work of picking us apart, raking us over the coals, pointing out our faults, and making us feel inadequate and unworthy. Who is going to love and respect us for exactly who we are, right now, warts and all, if not our spouses, parents, siblings and friends?  When we communicate that a loved one needs to make big changes to have our love and respect, we communicate that we really don’t love the person they are right now. Unconditional love means having no such conditions, right?

• Jesus said, Mat 7:1,3: “Do not judge so that you will not be judged. … Why do you look at the speck that is in your brother’s eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye?”

• Rom 14:4: “Who are you to judge the servant of another? To his own master he stands or falls; and he will stand, for the Lord is able to make him stand.”

• James 4:12: “There is only one Lawgiver and Judge, the One who is able to save and to destroy; but who are you who judge your neighbor?”

The question is often asked: “What exactly did Jesus mean when He said, ‘Do not judge?’” His meaning is to not be critical, particularly in an overbearing, self-righteous way, as He illustrates vividly with the analogy of the speck and the log. Home can be a miserable place when there is someone in it who has ‘the gift of criticism,” and is always berating family members.

• Prov 17:1: “Better is a dry morsel and quietness with it than a house full of feasting with strife.”

• As Spirit-filled Christians, our love and patience should trump our nagging and criticism. Gal 5:22-23: “But the fruit of the Spirit is love, patience, kindness … gentleness.”

The part of Viorst’s proverb that strikes me the most is “do not advise.” Norma and I are great advice-givers. After all, we are very wise — just ask us. We have immeasurably better knowledge of what our kids and grandkids should be doing than they do. How can we possibly keep our precious pearls of wisdom to ourselves?

Thankfully, our sons respect us enough to occasionally seek out our counsel. Few things make a parent prouder than when a son or daughter asks for advice. But I think Viorst is right that when it comes to unsolicited advice, 99% of it should be kept in the bottle.

If an adult child — or spouse, or sibling, or friend — really is as foolish as we sometimes think, then our advice is wasted on them anyway.

• Prov 23:9: “Do not speak in the hearing of a fool, for he will despise the wisdom of your words.”

• Prov 9:7: “He who corrects a scoffer gets dishonor for himself.”

• Prov 29:9: “When a wise man has a controversy with a foolish man, the foolish man either rages or laughs, and there is no rest.”

But the odds are that that loved one really isn’t so foolish after all.  He may have a different perspective or take a different approach than we might, but we need to have enough confidence and provide enough space to allow the ones we love to figure a few things out for themselves.